


How Green Is the Grass At Hogwarts?

by meditationsinemergencies



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, F/F, F/M, Marijuana usage, The Daily Prophet Article, crack!fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-26
Updated: 2020-09-26
Packaged: 2021-03-07 02:39:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,231
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26389555
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/meditationsinemergencies/pseuds/meditationsinemergencies
Summary: Rita Skeeter investigates some interesting rumours at Hogwarts.This piece is written as if it were an article in The Daily Prophet. It consists mostly of interviews and Rita Skeeter's thoughts and observations.
Comments: 19
Kudos: 26
Collections: HP Crack!Fic Fest





	How Green Is the Grass At Hogwarts?

**Author's Note:**

  * For [TheUltimateUndesirable](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheUltimateUndesirable/gifts).



> This work was written for the Harry Potter Crack!Fic Fest. This was so much fun to write and many thanks to the hosts for putting together the event!

**How Green is the Grass at Hogwarts?**

by Rita Skeeter

_In a hidden area on Hogwarts grounds, there is a greenhouse, one that isn't used for classes, one that I was unable to find. This one was for Albus Dumbledore's personal use maintained for him by Madam Poppy Pomfrey: Albus Dumbledore, with his absurdly long beard, his flamboyantly purple robes, his obsession with candy, was, more often than not, high. That’s the rub._

—

Several students at Hogwarts have been found in possession of the popular Muggle drug cannabis, also known as marijuana, weed, pot, grass, ganja, herb, dope, reefer, or, my personal favourite, sinner’s spinach. 

The plant, illegal in most Muggle communities worldwide, is quite scarce in Wizarding communities. Most wizards, due to variations of potions that can be used as an intoxicant, do not grow, sell, or procure the plant. 

I spent a twelve-hour period on the school's grounds to answer two questions: 

How did a Muggle drug come to be on the Hogwarts campus, and how did it spread so rapidly through its student body?

What I uncovered will shock you, Dear Reader. The following excerpts are from various interviews I conducted while at Hogwarts with students, faculty, and staff. 

Names, places, and identifying markers have not been changed.

—

_Hufflepuff Head Boy, Ernie MacMillan is dressed immaculately; he is quite dashing, but, on top of that, he’s second in his class. Shocking, I know for a Hufflepuff; however, he often gives Hermione Granger a run for her money. That’s saying something._

**RS: What do you know about the growing, no pun intended, amount of students smoking marijuana at Hogwarts?**

**EM:** Everything I say here is confidential, right?

 **  
** **RS: Absolutely. Completely private.**

_Ernie looks around the library, concernedly before he speaks to me. He clears his throat several times--obnoxious really._

**EM: I know where it’s being grown.**

_—_

_Ravenclaw student, Luna Lovegood, is quite obviously one of the students partaking in said smoking of marijuana. I would expect nothing less from Xenophilius Lovegood's, editor of The Quibbler, daughter. The girl wears radish earrings. Need I say more?_

**LL:** I don’t know anything. I tend not to get involved in those sorts of things. 

**RS: You’ve never smoked marijuana before?**

**LL:** No, Ernie MacMillian offered it to me once, but I can assure you there are Garflanks in the plant. Those can’t be good for your lungs. Oh! You need to drink this. It’ll get rid of your Phanktops! No wonder you’re so irritable, you have so many of them in your hair.

_Looney Luna, as called by some of her peers, hands me a vile of grey liquid and waltz off. Needless to say, I did not drink what was in the vile._

—

_Gryffindor Head Girl, know-it-all, and uppity princess Hermione Granger._

HG: How _dare_ you ask me that, you fowl, disgusting, ridiculous wo-

**RS: That’s enough, Granger. You didn’t answer my question.**

HG: Of _course_ not. Marijuana is illegal.

**RS: You’ve been known to break the rules.**

HG: For the greater good. 

**RS: How do you feel about Ernie MacMillian rivalling you in your 8th year classes? Did you know, rumor has it, that he is one of the students smoking marijuana?**

_Here Hermione Granger pauses and gulps._

HG: Ernie is a friend. I enjoy the competition. I also don’t believe he would ever do something like that. Terry Boot or Seamus Finnigan, sure. But, Ernie?

  
  


—

  
  


EM: You are sure this is confidential? 

**RS: Yes, Ernie, I’ve already told you that five times.**

EM: It’s being grown on the grounds. In a greenhouse. 

**RS: The ones Professor Sprout maintains? Those greenhouses?**

EM: No. It's a different one.

  
**RS: Explain.**

EM: Well, I was out walking one night, and I saw Professor Dumbledore and Madam Pomfrey out at this little greenhouse I’d never noticed before. They went inside, and, well, curiosity got the better of me. I disillusioned myself and snuck up to the window. There were tons of marijuana plants in there. I _watched_ Dumbledore roll a joint. Simple as that. He and Pomfrey are growing it.

**RS: You’re pureblood. How did you know what marijuana looked like?**

EM: On my mum’s side, my aunt married a muggle; he loves Bob Marley. 

**RS: Who?**

EM: Nevermind. 

**RS: Where is this greenhouse?**

EM: No clue. I tried to find it again, but I couldn’t. I told Cormac McLaggen about it. We were going to try and sneak in.

**RS: To get high?**

EM: Well, yeah. To see if it worked. You know? I mean, it must, why else would Dumbledore and Pomfrey be growing it? 

—

_Gryffindor Cormac McLaggen is, like Ernie, a distinguished young man. Once scorned by Hermione Granger he is now dating the lovely Lavender Brown._

**RS: So you and Ernie tried to find that greenhouse with the marijuana?**

CM: That’s right.

**RS: You failed?**

CM: Also correct.

**RS: But you did manage to procure marijuana?**

CM: How’d you know that?

—

_Gryffindor Lavender Brown is just stunning--a vibrant young woman._

**RS: So, tell me all about Cormac? How’s that going?**

LB: He’s so wonderful. I just love him. Oh! I haven’t told him that yet, but I do.

**RS: Did he tell you that he and Ernie went looking for marijuana on the grounds?**

LB: Oh, yes, of course. He tells me everything.

**RS: Absolutely. Your relationship is clearly built on a foundation of trust. I mean, why else would you be okay with him smoking marijuana with Hermione Granger last Saturday?**

_Lavender’s skin turns quite sallow here. She looks as if she’s on the verge of tears._

—

_Gryffindor Seamus Finnigan with his thick Irish accent is hilarious and a walking path of destruction with his magic. He has a tendency to set things on fire and has a penchant for blackmail._

**RS: So, tell me exactly how you came to have marijuana in your possession.**

SF: Alright, mam, and then I’ve got ta’ run. I’ve got shite to do. Ernie told me that he saw a greenhouse full of herb. I know all about tha’ stuff. My pa smokes from time to time. Big deal. I kept me eyes open, you know? Watched everyone and everything. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from me time at Hogwarts it’s that it isn’t ever who you expect it to be. We all thought Hagrid surely could hook us up. It weren’t Hagrid. Hagrid knew nothin’ about herb. But, I noticed that Snape was having a lot of extra office hours. Pretty unSnape-like, ya’ know? Anyway, I figured I’d stop in an' see him. See what help he had to offer me in potions. Well, as I walk into his office I see him handing something in a bag, _a dime bag_ , mam, to Terry Boot. You know what a dime bag is? It’s marijuana--the ganja, hash, grass, sinner’s spinach* as me grandmum called it. So, I approach Snape. I tell ‘em I want some, too. But he is charging a _fuck_ ton of galleons. Excuse me language. A ridiculous amount. Anyway, I tell ‘em he's full of shite ripping students off like that. But, guess what? 

**RS: What?**

SF: I’ve got some dirt on Snape. I blackmailed the dungeon bat and got me herb for _real_ cheap. I dole it out to me mates. We all smoke, mam. Me, Ernie, Cormac, Justin, Hermione, Hannah, Susan, hell, even Draco. Who would have thought? It’s the sinner’s spinach bringing us all together, eh? 

**RS: What could you possibly know about Snape that can be used as blackmail?**

_Seamus laughs a mischievously beautiful laugh._

SF: Ah. Fuck mam. You don' wanna know. 

_*This is where I learned that delightful term._

—

_Severus Snape is tall, dark, and, well, not exactly handsome. Students seem to be terrified by him, except of course for Seamus Finnigan. Severus is not happy sitting in front of me._

_  
_ **RS: Let me be frank, Severus. Are you supplying the students of Hogwarts with marijuana?**

_Severus gets up and walks out of the staff room._

—

_Slytherin Draco Malfoy looks just like his father, Lucius Malfoy, but has the elegant poise of his mother, Narcissa Black Malfoy._

**RS: Draco, are you what some would call a pothead?**

**DM** : Does this have something to do with Potter? I cannot fathom everyone's fascination with Potter. He defeated The Dark Lord. We get it. He's a blithering idiot, though. 

**RS: No, I’m referring to your peers smoking cannabis. Are you aware?**

**DM:** Oh. No. I am not. No.

  
**RS:** On the topic of Harry Potter, there is a rumor that you two have been seen together past curfew.

_Draco turned a lovely Gryffindor red before getting up and leaving the library. Confirming the rumours, if I do say so myself._

—

_Gryffindor Harry Potter, the Chosen One, the Boy Who Lived._

HP: What's all this about?

**RS: I'm sure you know, Harry.**

_Harry just shakes his head "no" at me. He is clearly not The Chosen One for manners._

**RS: Are Professor Dumbledore and Madame Pomfrey growing cannabis on Hogwarts grounds?**

HP: No.

**RS: Is Professor Snape selling cannabis to students?**

HP: No.

**RS: Have you ever smoked cannabis, Harry**?

HP: No.

**RS: How do you feel about Draco calling you a blithering idiot?**

HP: No. 

**RS: That wasn't a yes or no question.**

HP: No.

_I end the interview with Harry Potter here as he is clearly being rude, childish, and insolent._

_—_

_I tried but failed to get an interview with Gryfinndor Ronald Weasley--he was too busy eating to talk to me._

_—_

_Headmaster Albus Dumbledore sits in his office eating some sort of odd Muggle candy._

**RS: Headmaster, have you been growing and smoking cannabis at Hogwarts.**

_He shakes his head no, as he continues to suck on his candy._

**RS: Well, according to..**

_Here he holds his hand up to silence me._

AD: I am not growing cannabis. Madam Pomfrey is. I am not smoking cannabis. I cook with it. 

**RS: Well…**

AD: It is not illegal in Wizarding communities, Ms Skeeter. Would you like a Gobstopper?

**RS: A what? No.**

AD: Your loss. 

**RS: Did you know that one of your professors is allegedly selling cannabis to students?**

AD: I did not know that, but I suppose I am not surprised by it, either.

**RS: Does it not bother you?**

AD: No, and, believe me, if you have a Gobstopper you won’t be bothered by it either.

**RS: Professor Snape is selling intoxicants to students.**

  
AD: The students seem fine. I’m a bit hungry, would you care to go down to the kitchens with me?  
  


**RS: Not at all, Headmaster.**

  
  


—

**RS: Does anyone else know about...whatever it is you know about Professor Snape?**

SF: Just one other.

**RS: Are they involved?** **  
** **  
** SF: Oh. She is quite involved. 

—

_Professor Sybill Trewlawney is about as odd as Luna Lovegood. Her grandmother was a famous seer, but it didn’t seem to pass onto her granddaughter._

ST: Mmmm. I see something quite perilous in your future.

**RS: I’m sure. Tell me. What do you know about students buying cannabis from Professor Snape?**

ST: Nothing at all. 

_Here she reaches out and grabs my hand, staring at my palm_

ST: Oh. Tut tut. You really should leave. I am very concerned for your well-being, Rita. Gosh. Your palms. I wouldn’t be wasting my time interviewing students if I were you. You are in grave danger **.**

**RS: No, I’m not.**

ST: You are. 

**RS: No. I. Am. Not. You are insane.**

ST: Whatever you say. I just would be worried about getting trapped in a jar again. Hmmm?

**RS: How did you know?**

_Sybill taps my palm and smiles._

**RS: What do you know about Professor Snape?**

ST: Enough. 

**RS: Seamus Finnigian seems to believe you and Snape are...together.**

ST: He is mistaken.

—

SF: I’m telling you, mam. I saw ‘em. Trelawney and Snape. They were going at it. It was bloody disgusting. 

**RS: Just out in the open?**

SF: Nah. I was trying to sneak something out of Snape’s cupboards one night. They were in his office. I hauled arse when I saw ‘em. Kinda made me wanna puke. They weren’t quiet. Very vocal. Sometimes I still hear it.

**RS: And** **_this_ ** **is what you blackmailed Professor Snape with?**

SF: Aye. He didn’t want anyone knowing, I guess. I didn’t know if it would work, but it did.

—

_I finally managed to corner Severus Snape in his office._

**RS: Are you in an intimate relationship with Sybill Trewlanwy?**

SS: No comment.

**RS: Are you being blackmailed by Seamus Finnigan?**

SS: No comment. 

**RS: I’m not going to leave your office until you speak with me, Professor.**

SS: Yes. Not anymore as I’ve just admitted to it. Excuse me. I have to find Mr Finnigan. 

_Severus Snape slammed the door to his office so hard books and vials of potion fell off the floor._

_\--_

As I left his office I heard shouts and loud explosions. I’m certain, too, I saw Lavender Brown chasing Hermione Granger. 

After several hours of interviewing students and faculty, I decided to heed Sybill Trelawny’s warning and leave the campus. As I was leaving, Headmaster Dumbledore found me and placed a Gobstopper in my hand with a wink. 

I suppose I’ll give the Muggle candy a try. In the meantime, be wary of the debauchery taking place at Hogwarts.

  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> **This work is part of the ongoing HP Crack!Fic Fest 2020.**
> 
> Please feel free to leave kudos/comments for the author here, or on our communities at [LJ](https://hpcrackficfest.livejournal.com/)/[DW](https://hpcrackficfest.dreamwidth.org/)/[Tumblr](https://hpcrackficfest.tumblr.com/).


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